“Too Painful”

“It was too painful…suddenly he fell in love with someone else…I didn’t want to sing anymore.”

-Cécille Guillemain

I follow Sonny out of our mutual CPA office after running into him and the mistress who had his child, who now became his wife, with less than a year of our separation. I congratulated her, asked her how old the baby was, and that was when I discovered, after 12 months of no answer, no explanation, no response, that the reason why he left was that he had gotten her pregnant. They left early, but not before he gave me the answer that he was going to make me force sell the home we had—I worked so hard that year trying to save up—trying to move everything out of the house, with my mother’s help and my friends’ help, the house that my parents put the downpayment on, that I had given 70% of the paychecks to Sonny that he had misused, squandered, and siphoned off when he was having an affair with the other woman the last 6 months of our 8 year relationship. Sonny pretended I was a danger to his wife and baby girl when all I wanted was for him to extend the divorce contract so I wouldn’t lose my house. That’s why I followed him out of the CPA office. But he told me to stay away—like I’m sort of danger.

Three days later, I took Prosaic, and three days later, I attempted my first suicide. It was prosaic that did it.

When I had almost died, I saw the electrons and the energy fields that made up this world. I saw the meaning of life.

I thought at the time that I was in a real-life reality show, where humans watched humans eat each other for profit. This reality show was purgatory. It was a vicious cycle—one minute I am the cat, next I am the lion eating the cat, next I am the human eating, and next I am the human being eaten. I remember thinking that they are to eat me—there was a sense of true empathy. I told them—please eat me so that your bellies can be full. I give myself to thee as a sacrifice.

When you have been given the opportunity to awaken yourself in the matrix, you are really being watched by the sentient beings.

I felt the meaning of life.

We are all the same. That is the truth unveiled. We just come in different forms—I kept on screaming to the cops—it doesn’t matter, we are all the same…you’re pain is my pain. When we die, we all become one big massive ball of energy. That energy is on a balance scale—Yin and Yang—dark and light.

Remember that Light begets Light and Dark begets Dark. How we determine what energy we choose to give—whether light or dark, we will be reabsorbed into the energy field when we die. That energy will be weighed as a whole. The day that the energy field of light to dark tips on the human spirit scale, that is when Armageddon will happen.

Compassion is the key to saving all the souls. Our salvation comes when we as a human race have helped every single soul towards enlightenment. When we die, we get recycled into the spirit. If there ever is a day where we would all put others before ourselves and be truly happy in the act of giving for one another, then at the point right before we die, our spiritual existence will be light. 

Remember. Where there is dark, there is also light. You reap what you sow. What you seek, you shall find. That is the Law of the Universe. This reality is a game—we are all being tested.

Henry and Grace were my Jesus & Mary when they showed up at the hospital. They were my savior during the near-death experience. God was working through them that day. There is a strong connection that will be forever bonded because of what they did for me. One of them called the cops that day and the cops stopped me. 

Something very strange happened that day. I was being tested, I was being tempted, but I was also being protected. It was a battle for my soul that evening. If I were to die in despair, I am pretty sure that my spirit would have been trapped there—in pure agony, despair, sorrow, and guilt. However, two miracles happened:

1. Something propelled my two friends, Grace & Helen, to call the cops on me.

2. My roommate, Slava, was there to open the door to let the cops in

3. Diana was on the phone as a witness. 

The broken right foot: Subconscious resistance to move forward in my life in a certain area. That would be teaching, breaking up with Green Eyes to move on towards my own goals, and to break free from the satanic addiction towards earthly desires. 

We all come from the same source.

Everybody is afraid of you. Just go away. 

If everybody was afraid of me, afraid that I would hurt anybody because of my “instability”

Trauma—I was there, congratulating my ex-husband and his wife with the baby in her arms. He told me to stay back acting as if I would hurt their baby, while she had taken the baby out of the stroller and stood behind him. They both acted as if I would hurt their family when they were in collusion to protect their indiscretions and their fake marriage. 

It triggered something inside me—a deep maternal instinct that screamed hatred and resentment. How could you even paint me as a villain when I have been so nice to you? How could you even have the audacity to act as if I would in any way shape or form hurt you?

This is victim blame at its finest. I was the one who was done wrong yet I was treated as if I was the person at fault.

I have finally awakened.

Once you see, you can’t unsee.

In 2013, God delivered.

It was what my soul was calling out for.

I can pretend and feel like shit that I’m a fucking coward.

I can pretend that I’m weak and sick.

If that’s what I chose.

Yes, Lord of this world, that is what I chose.

I chose to walk the higher path of illumination while being saved by Jesus’ death and resurrection.

You can’t do that.

You must choose. Book of Dead and Knowledge or Book of Life and Ignorance. 

The enemy lies to me and to everyone else.

Both the Book of Life and the Book of Knowledge belong to God. It is the walk of every Christian to master both and manifest one’s creative expression in the walk of both, I say back to the enemy.

I am the goat transformed into an Aquarius

I am the pig that transformed into a mighty boar.

I am the caged bird that transformed into a phoenix.

I choose to be the “sick” girl to serve as mirrors for those who are choosing sickness.

I choose to be the “weak” girl to serve as mirrors for those who are choosing weakness.

I choose to be awakened for myself.

I choose to blend in, acting like I’m asleep among those who are also asleep, so that they may witness my awakening when I plant seeds of hope, faith, and love.

Conflicts between light and dark. How to lean into the shadows without making the shadows wrong–rather by showing innocent compassion and seeing the hurt behind the manifestation.

Transforming the clashing cymbal and the loud gong to being love manifest.

I must harness my new opened chakra energies.

I must control it for a world who still have their masks on.

I have learned how to take off my mask, but my mission is to help others take off their masks off as well.