“Butterflies”

“You still don’t know that you’re  a butterfly until  you are all the way out.” – Dream Rockwell

May 12, 2018

Dear Rylie,

I’m obsessed over you because I am obsessed over finding my partner. Today, Jameson called me to share how she is feening for her life partner to show up already.

This morning, I dreamed that I was at a temple and stumbled upon my friends, Stephanie and Tony, whom I had connected back in High School. They were celebrating their wedding anniversary there, and lavishly, among Asian friends in the traditional Chinese colors Reds, Gold, and Pearl Whites. I was wandering as a visitor and thought, how grand. There was a tinge of envy and longing but mostly it was of joy, hope, and anticipation. Perhaps I was lucid dreaming because there was a part of my subconscious in the dream that was awake in knowing that this was not just a dream but also a sign from God. I also knew that it was morning when I had this dream.

Be happy and happiness will become you.

God is asking me to wait.

Wait, because it is not the blonde man with the golden voice singing, “It’s a New Dawn, It’s a New Day,” at Rattlesnake Grill in Antville, in the middle of the Arizona desert. It’s not the photographer who tells me he still loves me whilst he is in Maui on his way to rock bottom and the hope of surrender. It’s not even you in this real time reality whilst I am writing away. You, who wake up to a woman who uses with you, numbs with you, co-creates the delusion that you’ve chosen in your refusal of the call. Not the you now, but the you later.

God is asking me to be patient for the later you.

A few days back, I had discovered there were four types of final realization in the journey of going down the rabbit hole:

1. Sacred Marriage
2. Atonement with the Father
3. Apotheosis
4. Elixir Thief

That Sacred Marriage is in the rhythm of the keyboards clicking away as I write this love letter to the future you. The version of you who did take action towards your Call to Adventure. The Artist Way.

God wants me to take the path of Atonement with the Father, and here we are I conflict. I want the prince to rescue me, and God is saying, focus on atonement.

A spoken word poet named kweisi gharreau said in The Love Story interview that “my being and becoming will stand for and inspire the next person’s being and becoming.” The same is true between us. I know from the root—the potentiality, the K factor, that how I am being directly affects your blooming into.

As I’m rendering, “Road to Berlin,” I know that I have been transformed by meeting you and our two kisses. The first kiss had broken the spell of lust and the second kiss had become true love’s second first kiss.

This letter is written to the higher version of you, my soulmate, my twin flame.

Two nights ago, I walked into a bar, waiting for a 12-step meeting, and a pretty man with the guitar and the golden voice was singing to a bar full of alcoholics. He was undervalued and he and I both knew it. I stared at him like one would stare at a piece of relic in a run-down museum. We both were out of place in this small town. His music experience and voice was too good for audiences to treat it as background music, and I had a product, an organization, and a dream that was too wide for the audiences’ perception of me as anything more than a tourist on vacation. We bonded instantly. When I had my camera phone fixed on his performance, more people began paying attention to him. By the time I had my Sony A7 camera on his entire body, he was beginning to get into his element.

I’m singing for one person. I’m moving her. The the vibrational frequent of the sounds elevated.

In that moment, I became his entire audience. The look of utter appreciation for his beautiful artist soul was reflected in his eyes.

You once told me to keep it simple. I love you because your soul is wise and simple.

He let his guard down when I told him about the publication and its mission. He told me that the two original songs, “ Sweet Love” and “The Best We Can,” were inspired by a recent love affair he had with a woman who he considers as his muse. You are my muse. As artists, we both ride that wave–romance, tragedy, and all that in between.

“We were twin flames and mirrors for each other,” he told me. My heart rang  with pure acceptance and excitement. Unlike many other moments in the karmic matrix, this time I was lucid living. “We are no longer together. She’s in Oregon now. Occasionally, she would come and visit, but we are both triggers for one another.”

I knew this was a temptation—that if I were to pass this temptation—forfeiting the fling in Sedona, AZ with the heartbroken golden boy, my being and becoming will elevate as your being and becoming will also elevate.

I don’t know much, but I know enough to know that transformation comes in pairs. And though you and I have parted ways, and the last thing I remember you saying is for me to leave you alone, I did say bye, but not goodbye. My bye is not for good, it is for bad. Breaking bad. I’m breaking my bad in the here and now.

I will take a different path. He’s single, I’m single, and thoughts of hooking up with him happened when I first laid my eyes upon him and mostly likely, his lust for me was reciprocated out of that space of isolation and stagnation. I was someone new walking into the door of a bar. But I know that that would be another Karmic trap. The right hand path is to stand by my declaration of my truth. I love you.

Love is patient. Love is kind.

Patience is what I must practice. How would I be being had we lived out our higher path back in February and continued dating one another, forgiving one another, thinking obsessively of one another, and relished in our happy anguish in getting intimate and deep into each other as I became more comfortable with being vulnerable and taken care of by you and growing spiritually with you? What would you have learned to realize about yourself as a man when you discovered your own power of holding space for a woman’s developing authentic self-expression. Have you already given away the diary I had given you because reminders of my presence in a potential opportunity forfeited is too painful?  Or in the quietude of your silence, have you continued to honor me and my work by keeping the gift despite its painful consequences? Have you mustered up the courage to open up a page inside the journal, downloaded the Live Portrait app, hovered over one of the artists whose quote stood out to you, and listened to the interview, activating you to take up journaling once again. Will you begin writing down your wounds, hopes, and dreams in a private canvas where your thoughts dance on paper with pen? Perchance, will you one day click on the link that was playing while the video is running and in that moment of vulnerability, discover this letter directed to the higher and future version of the you who has and will have taken on the call to adventure?

By the time you discover this letter, you will already be on the higher path. You will realize I, n the very moment that you are reading this that your request for a miracle has been, is still being, and will already be answered. You shiver. Is this real? You think. Has she been watching me this entire time? Dejavu hits you hard.

Relax, there are no cameras that I have to access you. I’m currently on a beautiful mountain in Sedona, Arizona nearby several vortexes. I’m tapping into the energy of miracles. I don’t have much, but I have enough. I do not have a wealthy amount of resources, but I do have a wealth of resources. Like Bon Jovi once said, “I’m living on a prayer.”

I have hope for the both of us. And though we are living in parallel worlds now, after our brief intersection around Valentine’s Day, 2018, I know you still think about me everyday. You probably talk about me too much in front of your girlfriend, just enough to get her insecure. Perhaps, you are doing it deliberately to make her jealous, perhaps you want her to one day become like me, for when she Googles me and discovers who I am, what I stand for, and the adventures that I’m living into, you will have successfully helped her break open to the woman she has always wanted to become. And in that space, you will have come full circle in realizing the higher version of yourself that you had once requested that I pray for. By the time you read this, the prayer will have fully make itself known to you.

This is the butterfly effect.

Love and Blessings,

Angelie