Fiction. Based on a True Point of Irritation and Social Avoidance
Written by Mingjie Zhai
“Does this make sense anymore. Are my actions viable? Are my actions speaking positively? Am I transcending positive waves? And uh…no, I wasn’t. I mean I was because I was doing my music, which made me happy…but my reaction towards people outside of my music was a whole nother matter. I didn’t want anybody around. I didn’t want anybody around me. I didn’t trust anybody. People would come into my life. They would try to steal my partners, they would try to do things, you know. And I’m like, ‘You guys have no clue what it is in my mind that makes it work this way to where I achieve the things I achieve. You guys can take whoever you want from me.”
At the time I didn’t know, at the time I was like, “oh….”
“But, now i’m just like, shit, yeah, fuck, take whoever you want. If they think they can do better somewhere else, please. I want them to. I really do.”
There are many moments when Angelie can’t stand being around people. It correlates to when she becomes hypersensitive to people.
She can feel other people’s egos–the illusions that the sea of egos plays in their minds. Most of the time it is pride, pain, self-loathing, irritation, insecurity, and it’s as personal as masturbation, so pointing it out for people only makes them defensive if not angry and resentful at her.
Their ego is as loud as a blow horn and as prickly as a cactus–it drives her crazy when her sensitivity meter is on full throttle.
She wants to point it out.
“Sis, if you would stop with your safe space liberal bullshit. Trigger warnings and all. It’s just a lame excuse for avoidance. Your head is in the sands and you live in a bubble. A selfish fucking bubble,” she wanted to say.
“Jennifer, if you want to do something else with your life do it, but your low energy is your own creation. If you are not happy with your job, change it. If you don’t like how things are, change it,” she wanted to say.
“Mom, you’re constantly nagging and criticizing others. It’s the first thing you look for when I wake up in the morning. Stop trying to criticize and control everything,” she wanted to say.
Point out all of the bullshit so they can see it and change it.
But that’s a fucking illusion itself.
Angelie’s ego becomes the angry, hurt, controlling, accusatory spirit.
She can tell when someone is bullshitting. She can spot hypocrisy very easily too, which is why most people find it unpleasant to have a civil conversation with her. It usually turns into unsolicited coaching and evolves into a debate if the conversation doesn’t get shut down beforehand.
She detects bullshit.
She detests bullshit.
And most people bullshit most of the time.
Including her own bullshit.
She’s irritated because she can’t fix it. She wants to help them. She wants it to stop. She thinks that by pointing it out, they can see it, then change it.
But it doesn’t work that way.
In fact, the opposite happens. It reinforces and pushes people away. Like a mirror to medusa’s ugly face. Nobody wants to smell their own shit.
Besides, pointing it out to people, when they don’t want to see it, makes her look arrogant. It’s the ego’s failsafe to prevent itself from being attacked.
The ego says, “Fuck off, Who are you to point out my shit? Look at you. You can’t even fix yourself.”
The fact that she is trying to fix another person’s problem is part of her problem.
Insanity = Using ego to fix another person’s ego
Her ego creates the illusion that it’s all up to her to fix it and
she can’t fix it. She knows this. The ego knows she knows this, but taunts her regardless.
See how useless and weak you are?
See how little of a difference you actually make?
See how people are so dumb and blind?
People don’t want to change, so you’re wasting your energy.
Plus, you look like a damn fool.
And it doesn’t get fixed. Psychic attacks.
Most of the irritation and frustration comes from her ego taunting her
weak, useless and helpless.
She is irritated that the person can’t see it. And for a moment, she actually believes in the ego.
She’s impatient with their process.
She’s impatient with her own process.
Her impatience gives power to the ego
and her frustration and anger is what feeds it.
Her ego creates the illusion that they don’t see their own shit when they do.
They do see it. Deep down, they all do.
Calling it out will only reinforce.