“Forgive”

“When you fall in love with someone who is so deep in the hole, it hurts you also. Whenever you love a mom, and your mom is going through something horrible, and see that she’s so much in pain but you can’t help her. She doesn’t know you are there. You are trying to help her. That’s what the song is all about. And that I could and that I think about them all the time and they may not know it.” -Hennessy

This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Dear Mom,

I want you know that I recognize how beautiful you are. I want to let you know that you had chosen to marry an alcoholic who emotionally abused you, who left you for other women and blamed it on you for his marital infractions, and you married a bipolar alcoholic who you dedicated your life to, despite allow him to hurt the children that you wanted to protect. You had to chose between your child’s safety and your love for this man. Your resiliency, your tenacity to stick around for the sake of the kids, your ability to survive diabetes, your ability to survive incest–it is amazing to see how resilient you are.

You thought you were weak when you are in fact strong, and you grew up with a mother who was micromanaging and controlling, who worried all the time, because your mother was on survival mode, for they survived mass starvation in China, and watched people being eaten, killed, persecuted by their own family members in the name of ideology. 

Know that when you are critical and judgement it is only a projection of the voices in your head that your mother had once said to you, that your own traumas and wounds have created.

You acted silly and dumb as a survival mechanism of the abuse. The emotional abuse that stemmed from a false attachment pattern when you were a child. You want to escape the critical and judgemental voices in your head that tell you that you are not worthy. I see a rose that withers but I also see a rose that is resilient–the petals still in fixation. You are worthy and you are resilient. You are smarter than you let on. I know that you have a tendency to stay busy so you don’t have to connect with other people, but know that when you do, you have a compassionate and insightful heart. Know that you are beautiful and that you offered your tender loving heart to me when I was a baby and I remember how beautiful you are, and deep and poetic you are. I remember seeing your eyes and remembering how beautiful you are. I remember how agile you are. How much you wanted to travel and see the world, how adventurous you are.

I remember how kind, giving, and how much you put other people before you because you love love. I remember how protective you are, how proud you are of your family, how you tell me how beautiful I am. Growing up with beauty and gifting that beauty and maintaining that beauty –it is our destiny to transform that outer beauty into inner beauty now.

Beauty.

Beauty is allowance.

Controlling things and trying to fix things for fear that we are not good enough is the illusion. Know that there is nothing to fix, correct, or control. Let go, mother, let go. Let go of the fears, let go of the need to be perfect, let go of trying to prove your worth by doing for others. There is nothing to prove when you know that you are perfect in your process. Forgive yourself mother. Forgive your past. Forgive your abusers. Forgive for all the things you have internalized as your fault when it wasn’t your fault. Forgive. Forgive to live, mother.

Forgive your mother.

Forgive your abusers.

Forgive your daughters.

Forgive your father.

Forgive yourself.

I love you,

Angelie